Education, etc.

               A name is a powerful identifier that may even come with an expectation to live up to a legacy, especially those who are named after family member or a famous people. But what happens when the student would rather not be called by their birth name? What should we, as educators, do to support that student in our classroom? And how can we support them without angering those who gave them the name they would rather not be called? This is just one of the many situations that teachers face every day that does not come with a manual or a guide. And this topic may vary from student to student.

               I had the opportunity to attend a conference many years ago where a keynote speaker talked about supporting students in the classroom. I wish I could remember her name so I could credit her properly, but I cannot, and I have lost the conference book that had her name in it. There were 2 points she made in the beginning of her talk that stuck to me and have continued to do so, years later. The strongest of the two was how important it is for students to see themselves reflected in their teachers, their curriculum, their textbooks, their assessments, etc. She was referring to culturally responsive teaching, but she said, “So many people say, I treat all kids the same, black, white, pink with purple polka dots, it does not matter to me what they are, I treat them all the same.” She paused for a moment and said, “I don’t know about you, but I have never seen a student who was pink with purple polka dots. I mean, if you have, I need to see a picture, and we need to make sure it is in a textbook, too, so that pink with purple polka dots kid sees themselves reflected.” I busted out laughing, and so did everyone else. She made a good point, and she did so very well. Students need to see others who look like them as well as being seen themselves.

               The second point she made stuck with me not because of what she said, but because of how the teacher in front of me responded. The speaker began to discuss the importance of recognizing students who identify differently than others, specifically students who are a part of the LGBTQIA2S+ community. The lady in front of me was immediately offended, stood up and mumbled, “I teach kids, not people who ‘identify’,” and promptly walked out. I could not help but hear Dr. Phil in my head, “…and how’s that working out for you?”

*WARNING: The remaining portion of this blog contains comments and views which may be considered radical by some individuals. These comments and views are my own and are not a reflection of anyone else. However, if you are easily offended or if you have strong negative views of the LGBTQIA2S+ community, you may not want to read further. All names in this blog are made up and do not reflect specific students.

In case you did not know, it is 2023, life has changed, and most people no longer hide who they are. And why should they? At the end of the day, everyone is a person who deserves to be respected. And in the walls of my classroom, my students will always know they are seen, heard, and supported, no matter who they are or how they identify. I do my best to make that happen by having 2 specific questions on my first day of school questionnaire. As part of the total information gathering survey, I ask the following: What name do you prefer to be called and what pronouns do you use? This year I had a student cry, not because they were offended, but because they had never had anyone ask, and in their words, they finally felt seen.

If I want my students to learn, to participate, to be willing to take chances and risk being wrong or making a mistake, then I believe I need to make the effort to support them where they are, starting with the name they wish to be called. It is simple for me, really. If Thomas wishes to be called Tommy, no one argues. When William Robert goes by Bobby, no one makes a fuss. James Brady has only ever been called J. B. and has asked his teachers to do so on the first day of school since the first grade. But when a student asks to be called by a name that is not common for their assumed gender, or is considered too much of a nickname, a line is drawn, and people quickly choose which side to stand on. Why? Is it because the change of a name settles too closely to how a student identifies, thus making it too taboo for school? Does it blur the lines between professional educator and student when the name is too close to a nickname? Or does calling a child the name they wish to be called give them too much of an opportunity to be seen, heard, and supported when they are supposed to be silent and hidden away so they do not make other people uncomfortable?

There was a time in my teaching career when I had a last name that was often butchered. After a few years of students occasionally doing so on purpose, and soon after getting divorced, I shortened my last name to just the first letter and became Ms. K. That was my name in the classroom for years and when I see former students from those years, they still call me Ms. K. At one point I had an observation from a lead teacher who was there to give me some feedback. That, too, is a topic for another day. One of the first items on her list of things I needed to address immediately was my students calling me “Ms. K” because, in her opinion, it was too familiar, too much like a nickname, and needed to stop immediately. I am not sure that I heard the other suggestions she made because I was stunned at the possibility of my students calling me Ms. K being unprofessional. I sat and talked with a veteran teacher that I trusted to be honest with me and explained what I had been told. When he finished laughing, he said, “I have been teaching for 20+ years, students have called me Mr. B many times, let it go.” As he left our conversation, he yelled his parting advise over his shoulder like he had so many times, “Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.” Wise, albeit gross, advise, and I remained Ms. K until I remarried and took my husband’s name many years later.

When a student says, “Mrs. Hayes, can you call me [insert name here]” they are taking a chance that they will be seen, heard, and supported in my classroom. Occasionally, they have asked me to call them by their deadname if I ever meet their parents but that has never been an issue I have had to navigate. Instead, I have seen students who were happy in my class and worked diligently but had very strained relationships with other teachers. This is not because I am some phenomenal force of education that could teach other teachers how to perfect their craft, nor does every student who darkens my door think I hung the moon. Then again, I am not in the classroom to be liked. I am there to teach them about science, and to do that, one of the tricks of the trade that use is to be sure each student is seen, heard, and supported. Therefore, if Juanita prefers to be called Rose or Katelyn wishes to be called Fred, then so be it. Because who is it really hurting? The answer is no one, except for them, when they are told William can be Bobby, but Katelyn cannot be Fred. And I am just not in the business of intentionally hurting children.

Normally I would include numerous research citations supporting the use of a student’s preferred name as there are plenty of research-based publications I could cite. Instead, I would like to issue a challenge. If you, as a teacher, student, parent, child, or random citizen find yourself wondering why a name is so important to a student, find an individual who uses a name that is different from what is on their birth certificate and ask them to help you understand why it is so important to them. I have a few reasons for choosing to issue this challenge rather than provide the research. First, a large portion of current research is centered around the rights of trans-students. Although this is important, not every student who wishes to have a different name is a trans-student. Additionally, who could better explain why a name is so important than the individual who has changed their name. Lastly, we, as a society, are losing the ability to have a face-to-face conversation where we maintain eye contact with another individual and provide them with our undivided attention for a moment of time. Instead, we often choose to find the answers through digital media or text messaging. When you respectfully ask another individual to help you understand why their name is so important to them, you are not only gaining understanding and participating in a human-to-human activity, but you are also telling that person that you see them, you hear them, and you are trying to learn to support them. If you can do so respectfully, what an amazing gift to give to another person! You may even feel that you have received a gift as well.