Education, etc.

All my life, I have been told that I was too much. I move too much in my seat, at circle time, in the classroom, just everywhere. I talk too much in conversations. I ask too many questions in class. I speak too loudly. My laugh is too brash. Sufficed to say, I am a lot. I write this not in past tense, in thinking of my own schooling, but in present tense, because many of these characteristics are still true. I did not fit in the nice, neat, education box where little girls come to school in cute clothes with pig tails and bright smiles, sit quietly, color in the lines, and behave like junior ladies in training. Although it was never said to me, I often wonder if I was labeled the “bad” kid because of my behavior.

My mother often told me they learned the hard way not to buy me dresses that had lace trim at the bottom as it would not last the time from the house and back after a Sunday morning trip to church. I don’t remember ever ripping the lace, so it must have been a hidden talent. As a child, my patten leather shoes were always scuffed. My dad would polish my shoes every Sunday morning, up until I left for college, and even when I came home to visit. When I would return home, my shoes would look like they had been lived in for years. In fact, a reference to being able to polish my shoes was made to more than one boyfriend in high school and college being that my father had resigned himself to my inability to keep shoes that would remain unmarred. It would be a safe bet that nearly half the shoes in my closet have tarnished leather, skinned tips of the toe, or are missing the top piece of the heel. That important little piece of plastic always seems to disappear from one of my heels halfway through the day. Then I no longer many a nice, even click-click down the hallway, room, or sidewalk, but instead a click-thunk. No one wants to sound like a click-thunk.

I wish I could say that I have learned to be more careful with my clothing, but if it can be snagged, pulled, torn, or unthreaded, I have managed to achieve it somehow. And rarely over time. This hidden talent had grown to also include the ability to ruin my clothing on the first wear and it is an absolute that this ruin of a new blouse or clothing item will happen just before a meeting or presentation. I would assume most of the destruction to my clothing and shoes is directly related to my need for movement. As a child, I was always in trouble for wiggling, bouncing, spinning, or standing up to walk somewhere and none of these occurred at the appropriate times in class. Even now, my feet bounce and tap, my fingers, too. If music is playing, I will at least have a bobble head to the beat. I even move in my sleep.

I spent my fair share of time in the hallway at kindergarten, having been sent to sit by the wall for misbehaving in the classroom. I was probably talking. I had my share of detentions in high school for talking in class. The only thing that kept me from talking in graduate classes was their delivery platform: online. I was told one evening after church that I had been called out in the middle of a Sunday night sermon, but I did not hear the preacher’s comment, I was talking. After all, I had a lot to say and even more questions to ask.

Growing up, my mother’s famous phrase was, “Look it up.” We had a series of encyclopedias, and I had a healthy serving of questions that could have given anyone grey hair. My need for answers drove my teachers and my professors a bit ragged. I know this because their answers would get more and more cheeky as the day, week, or semester continued. The same can be said for the principals I have worked for and my series of creative but unorthodox ideas for school activities. We will reserve that conversation is for another day.

It is not enough that I am always in motion, always talking, and always questioning, but I have never mastered the art of the whisper. Or a reasonable voice, for that matter. I’m loud. I can address a cafeteria full of students without a microphone and have more than once. I don’t yell. I cannot without my voice cracking. It is just that my natural talking voice is at an above average volume. If I had a dime for every time I heard my mother say, “volume” as a warning that I was too loud, or for the times that she turned the invisible volume button down on my back, I probably could take a nice beach vacation.

Had it not been for parents who valued my education, it would have been easy to see school as a place I did not belong, a box I was never meant to fit in. I was constantly in trouble for moving, talking, blurting out questions, and being too loud. If there was a place on the progress report to receive an NI for needs improvement, I received it. I remember plenty of progress reports with all NI’s and I never remember one with all S’s for Satisfactory. How easily I could have said, “I don’t belong here, I am not like everyone else, my teachers are annoyed with me, my classmates pick on me, why should I bother?”

One of my high school English teachers told my parents that my writing read as if I were high. My thoughts were scattered and that reflected in my writing. Another English teacher told his classes that he did not grade in red ink, fearing it was traumatic to his students, instead he graded in green. My papers aways came back looking like neon green alien blood was splattered all over the pages. I left high school and entered college believing I could not write, that I was not intelligent enough to be successful. Recently, my editor for my dissertation said I was easy to edit, explaining technical writing is different than creative writing. I felt like I was on a mountain top high. Someone said my writing was good!

Eventually the impulsivity became too much, and I was prescribed one of the popular medications of the time, something that would help my lack of attention and impulsive behavior. In fact, through high school, college, and briefly as a young adult, I was prescribed more than one different medication for these symptoms. I am sure they work for others, but they did not work for me. Instead of quieting my brain, it sped my body up to meet the thoughts running through my brain. I had plenty of energy through out the day so I had no way of knowing this was exactly what I did not need to be taking.

A few years ago, I met with a psychologist who had a differing opinion on my diagnosis. My impulsivity, movement, and loud talking was less about a lack of attention and more about another word beginning with A. Anxiety! I moved all the time because I was anxious. I question my world out of a need to know. I talk because I am anxious, especially in a social setting, and I cannot retreat to the shadows because then I will miss out on learning about something. My feet are always tapping, rubbing, or touching, so my shoes remained scuffed. In school, the desire to medicate my impulsivity may have been an attempt to help me navigate my world, but to whose benefit. Mine? The teachers? My classmates?

I am not discouraging medication. Many people have better lives thanks to the benefits of pharmaceutical drugs or homeopathic supplements. I am one of them now that I have the right medicine to address the right diagnosis. The crucial focus is finding the right medication or supplement that provides the proper benefits to the individual, not those around them. I have faced this conversation as both the patient and the parent. It is not right to medicate a student for the benefit of their classmates or the teacher. The possible use of medications and natural supplements should be for the benefit of the individual, only.

That student, the one who moves too much, who talks too much, who is loud and often a bit, well, much, they deserve the best education possible, just like everyone else. Just like the ones that “sit still and look pretty”, as Daya sings. There are plenty of successful women who, just like me, were not meant to sit still and look pretty. They were meant to lead, to shake up the world, to change the status quo, and to make waves in the process.

XFL co-owner and chairman Dany Gargia was quoted in a CNBC interview giving advise to her younger self (Scipioni, 2022). She acknowledged that she had been different her whole life, realizing that being different was her “superpower.” Embracing her differences and making decisions that make her happy has lead to a portfolio of companies, business deals, and a business empire that is diverse, and very successful, including managing the career of her once husband Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

ADDitude published an article where famous women with ADD were interviewed about how their ADD impacted their lives (Barrow, 2022). Actress Roxy Olin did summersaults around her house as a child, earning the moniker “rollover”, and was often in trouble at school. Robin Stephens, organizer and wellness coach, could not sit still in class as a child. Restauranteur Cynthia Gerdes admits she still struggles with grocery shopping and often spins in circles around the house. Sari Solden, a psychotherapist and author of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder often turned off clocks or fans in her office to help her focus. But Attention Deficit Disorder is not the only mental health diagnosis famous women have worked to live with. Anxiety plagues many successful women along with depression and other conditions. Simone Biles spoke openly about getting the twisties while competing at the Tokyo Olympics in 2021 (Kowalski, 2021). Naomi Osaka famously withdrew from competition in 2021 (Nivison, 2022), explaining her need to focus on her mental health. Zendaya had test anxiety as a child, Emma Stone had panic attacks and separation anxiety from her mother, and Kristen Bell speaks openly about how she uses medication and a self-assessment mindset to cope with her anxiety (Drinkard, Ma, & LaMantia, 2021). Each of these women is successful and has found a way to address their differences through medication, structure, organization, or other techniques that work for them.

I wish I had known I was not alone in my impulsivity and my need to talk all the time. I wish I had a list of famous women to draw inspiration from when I was that child who was in trouble just for being herself. If I could go back in time and sit down with her, I would tell her to not worry about the inability to fit in the box others wanted to place her in. Throw away the box, little girl. Rewrite the script. Dance to the beat of your own drum. You will find your place where you inspire others in your own time. The right medication makes all the difference in the world. But above all, embrace who you are for all of your differences, because those differences are what makes you unique. You are valued, little girl, you are worthy, straighten your crown.

Barrow, K. (2022, March 31). Girl power(houses): Inspiring women with ADHD. ADDitude. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.additudemag.com/famous-women-with-adhd-work/

Drinkard, J. S., Ma, J., & LaMantia, B. (2021, December 30). 25 famous women on dealing with anxiety. The Cut. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.thecut.com/2021/12/25-famous-women-on-dealing-with-anxiety-and-depression.html

Kowalski, K. (2021, September 21). What happened when Simone Biles got the twisties at the Olympics? Science News Explores. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.snexplores.org/article/simone-biles-twisties-gymnastics-olympics-explainer#:~:text=But%20something%20went%20very%20wrong,and%2Da%2Dhalf%20rotations

Nivison, A. (2022, December 8). Naomi Osaka says she initially felt ‘ashamed’ after withdrawing from 2021 French Open to address Mental Health. CBSSports.com. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.cbssports.com/tennis/news/naomi-osaka-says-she-initially-felt-ashamed-after-withdrawing-from-2021-french-open-to-address-mental-health/#:~:text=Tennis%20star%20Naomi%20Osaka%2C%2025,feel%20great%20at%20the%20time

Scipioni, J. (2022, March 28). Dany Garcia on building a business empire with Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson: Being different is your ‘superpower’. CNBC. Retrieved March 20, 2023, from https://www.cnbc.com/2022/03/27/dany-garcia-on-building-a-business-empire-managing-dwayne-johnson.html